Lady, there’s terrifying, and then thre’s Nike. Terrifying I can handle, but Nike, nu-uh. Yup, I’m glad I’m on her good side too, that way I can get away with so many things. -snickers- Well, I’m not. Let me have your gun so that I can start shooting ‘em.
Ugh, don’t call me lady, that makes me feel really fucking old. You get away with things? That’s unheard of with her, unless she actually doesn’t mind you. Lucky. Oh, well see, if you were to take my gun, I’d have to wrestle you to the floor and discipline you. And neither of us really want that.
Nobody can be scary lady but Nike, you should know that. She’s so badass, Snow’s balls wither hearing her name. -chuckles- Don’t I know it. Ugh, can’t you use that gun of yours to accidentally shoot ‘em?
Oh yeah, she’s a terrifying one. I’m lucky I’m on her good side, or she would have had my head years ago. I wish I could accidentally shoot all of them, but alas, I’m too fond of living to risk it.
"Anyone can wear a white uniform and call themselves a peacekeeper. My brother does it every day. Yet do you think I respect him? No I don’t, because you aren’t keeping the peace, you are just pretending too."
That’s how you think it works? You just put on the uniform, and you’re a Peacekeeper? I would explain the process for you, kid, but I’m already bored with this conversation. You’ll be dead in a week or two anyway.
I haven’t talked to the Resistance. I just know that they exist because my father tortured some of their members back in his Peacekeeper days. If I knew for a fact someone was in the Movement, I would be adamant about joining up. At least then I would be doing something to counteract the Capitol’s crimes against humanity. I am dead serious when I say that, if the Resistance is completely and irrevocably closed to me, I’m going to not working another Hunger Games. Whether I’m an Avox, executed, or I have to take myself out with my own weapon, I’m not doing this anymore.
Well, then… Have fun with your own solution to all problems. That’s the easy way out, Uriah. Killing yourself, getting killed, getting your tongue cut out. Don’t take the easy way out. Find the Resistance, and work from inside the Peacekeepers. If I hear anything, about anything, I’ll let you know, alright?
I know we have to deal with our lives in the best way possible, but are we doing things the best way? More than anything, I hate the day when we take them on the hovercraft and walk them through the catacomb stockyard. Just seeing those kids and knowing some of them will be dead in not even an hour. Even if we don’t agree with Snow, we’re complicit with his orders. Think about it: We swore allegiance to President Snow and the Capitol. What if we are just using our oath and our jobs as Peacekeepers to excuse ourselves from any personal responsibility for the unspeakable crimes that we carry out on the orders of President Snow? Even if we really see what’s going on or we question things, what does that do for the kids lifted into the arena? A lot of days, I’d rather be an Avox or be publically executed than work for one more Hunger Games. I’d rather die being a man who defied this madness than live a life of herding children toward their deaths.
Uriah. You do the job, or you get your head blown off. You choose between your own life and other people’s lives, and it sucks, because most of the time, we’re too selfish to choose their life over your own. It’s not pleasant, or nice, and the job is the worst there could possibly be. Instead of using so much energy complaining about things being shitty, just… Do your best to make things better. You’ve talked about the resistance. Find them, do work from inside the unit.
I’m sorry! I’m sorry! You’re right. I knew where you stood and I made a choice that wasn’t in line with my own values. I caused my own downfall. We never should have had sex. I regret it every day. I’m not crazy, I’m just stuck with all the consequences of my decisions and also this job is getting to me.
How are you not feeling like a murderer now that the Hunger Games are drawing so near? It makes me sick. I can’t stand it. My nightmares are full force. Last night I saw tributes beaten to death, drowned, all sorts of hideous stuff. Nobody is talking about the dignity of human life in the face of a tyrannical government. I mean, we can’t because that kind of thinking is illegal and harshly punished. Do you ever feel like your joy in life is diminished because you know your life isn’t yours? That you belong to the Capitol?
I can’t stand idly by, you know? I want Ophelia to win because she’s like a kid sister to me, but I also don’t want these Games to continue. I am utter opposed to them. I detest them. But how do you stop them? The Games are filth and madness, but also the center of our culture.
Right- So then don’t take it out on me. You knew that I didn’t want anything more, and yes, I should have stopped it from happening, too, but that doesn’t take away your own responsibility in it all. Just ease up a bit, okay? Stop… Stressing yourself out.
I don’t feel like a murderer, because I’ve never actually killed anyone. Because if you put the blame on yourself for what Snow is doing, then you’re a lost cause. We’re doing a job, and if we don’t do it, we die instead. And I don’t know about you, but I happen to like my tongue, as well. It’s all disgusting, don’t get me wrong… But this is our lives, and you have to deal with it in the best way possible.
I realize you can’t return that. I loved you and you destroyed me. And I don’t have any friends. I have people I slept with who hate me now.
Do you mean you think I need to go to a hospital? I can’t do that! Do you think Nike would let work the field and have a firearm if she was told I was a nutter? Especially since I used my Capitol-issued Vektor CP1 when I tried to kill myself. For all I know, I’d end up in some padded cell in a psychiatric ward with a straitjacket on. Do you know how humiliating that would be? Or how much by father would loathe me?
Don’t blame it on me, you knew what I thought, you knew before anything even happened that I didn’t want you love, so don’t blame it all on me. I admit that I was wrong to let it go as far as it did, but I refuse any further blame.
And don’t raise your voice at me, I’m simply trying to have a normal conversation with you, and you get all angry and upset. Raise your voice at me again, and I’ll leave without so much as a word. And I’m not saying that you should admit yourself to a hospital, I’m saying that it might be a good idea to talk to someone, like a psychiatrist, just to help sort out your emotions. There’s no shame in that, I went to see one for three years after I left my messed up adoptive family.
You think I don’t love you anymore? That’s not true. I tried to hook up with you again twice and you always turn me down. Then I got on probation with Nike. But I still have feelings for you.
I know I come on strong. It’s just…you don’t know how I feel all the time: guilty, worthless, helpless, hopeless, so sad and anxious and empty all the time. Lysander doesn’t just hate me because I’m needy and have trouble with boundaries. He hates me because we had a fight after we hooked up and I tried to kill myself. My hands were shaking, so the bullet lodged into the wall instead, and I left when a guard came to check out what was going on. Lysander thinks I’m weak and crazy. He doesn’t understand how much pain I feel. I was just looking for someone to love me in a way no one ever has. It’s not even about sex. It’s just someone holding me.
I wasn’t asking for advice. I just wanted to talk. I can’t follow advice even if it’s good. I feel like shit and can’t control my emotions. I act out or I self-destruct. For what it’s worth, I annoy myself more than I annoy anyone else.
Yeah, you did try hooking up, but I know that you’re… For some completely odd reason, you actually like me, and I can’t return that. Hooking up with you again would only hurt you, and I don’t want that, believe it or not.
You tried killing yourself? Uriah… Do you really think that would do any good at all? You’re depressed, you should probably see someone about everything that you’re dealing with, get some help. You’ll get better, you’ll find you have more to live for than you really think you do. And… Well, you don’t need someone to hold you, or be with you in a romantic way in order to feel better. You need friends, people you can talk to and everything.
Just… Calm down, okay. You have friends, and just… Take comfort from that, rather than getting all sad that you don’t have someone to share your life with. That will come, eventually. In time.
Doesn’t coffee dehydrate you further? And I know you don’t need me to look after you. I just want to help a fellow soldier.
Are all my changes for the worse? I mean, I’m not that fucked up, am I? No…I am.
I just can’t stop myself Kero: the drinking, the sex, the depression and suicidal threats, the crazy love and fear of abandonment. I see myself doing it all, almost like an observer, and I can’t stop myself. I always regret it. But I know I’ll do it again. I feel more emotions, more deeply, and longer than most people seem to. The sensitivity, intensity, and duration of my feelings is off-the-charts. Sometimes it’s good. I feel fiery inspiration or brilliant golden happiness or epic love, but then if I’m sad I’m devastatedly depressed and want to kill myself; if I am annoyed, I’m enraged, if I’m nervous I have a full-blown panic attack, if I am embarrassed I am mortified. And I’m so terrified all the time of being rejected or abandoned. Then I sabotage myself to make it happen. I feel betrayed, want to hurt myself, and then I’m out of control again. I’ve been so impulsive lately: drinking myself to death, sleeping with whoever’ll take me. It relieves the pain, though. At least for a little bit. I feel really ashamed and guilty afterwards and that’s other cycle—feeling pain, doing something reckless, feeling remorse, acting out from that pain. I know I hurt you. I idealized you and pushed for what you couldn’t give. And now I’m doing the same thing to Lysander but I can’t stop myself. I’m addicted to conflict, even though I hate it. I find unstable, passionate relationships that are unreciprocated, destroy myself, and creep out the object of my affections. I’m freaking myself out, to be honest. Should I be locked up in psychiatric care? Have I finally gone insane? Sometimes the crazy parts are all that’s left of me. Remember when we first talked and I was just a dutiful soldier, obeying orders, speaking propaganda fluently, never questioning anything? Even then I couldn’t tell you what I enjoyed. I was no one. Another girl asked me something similar about dreams for myself and I honestly couldn’t imagine a different life. I feel so empty and lost, like a non-person. I don’t know what I’d be doing if my father hadn’t planned my life for me. Would I just drift around? I’m so self-destructive, manipulative, demanding, volatile, and attention-seeking. I’m difficult. I need intimacy like air and I’m so cripplingly terrified of rejection, but look at me! Everyone hates me. I’m going to lose my job. I don’t think it’s your fault, though. I think I’ve always been heading this way. Between my father, District 2 in general, and working for the Games… I’m not cut out for this. I’m so fucking batshit crazy.
Yes, it would dehydrate me, but at least I’d wake up a little. Coffee is basically my best friend, really.
You sound like you want me to tell you what to do with your life, and that’s something that I can’t do. You have to figure things out for yourself, you have to figure out what it is you want from your life, who you want to be and how you want to live. No one can tell you any of that, you have to figure it out. But I can, however, tell you what I think you could do to better your situation.
You claim to love fiercely when you love someone, but honestly… I can’t even take it seriously. How many have you been head over heels in love with since you met me? It certainly hasn’t been just one. You claim you give yourself over entirely, but you don’t. Because you jump from one to the other. At the same time, when you find someone, the newest one being Lysander Reid, you just go in too damn strong. It’s scary, and especially when that someone tells you that they don’t want the same thing. So just… Calm the fuck down for a change, why don’t you? Just… Enjoy talking to someone, just have fun making friends, it doesn’t always have to include… Passionate sex or love forever. So just ease up a little, and just… Enjoy making friends. You think your love will have people want to be closer to you, but you’re just pushing people away.
I know that feeling too well: the wicked headache, bloodshot eyes, shakiness, sickness.
I could take care of you if you want. Water will hydrate you. Ginger ale will soothe your stomach. If your throat is dry I can make you some herbal tea with honey. I can get some fruit and toast and pain reliever in your system. If you need to sleep it off, I can keep you company, dabbing your head with a wash cloth. Trust me, I drink all the time.
I’ve been wanting to talk to you, Kero. I feel…different from when we first hung out. I was so cautious then and now I’m not. It’s hard to explain but I know I’m more ostentatious like I was in high school. I want people like you to think I’m attractive and awesome (because I am). I’m kind of offbeat, still very emotional, kinda loving in a noble way, and still pretty fucking depressed. But it’s me and I miss you.
I still wanna hook up but more because I’m so fucking lonely. It’s killing me, Kero. I’m going to go insane. You don’t have to screw me but it would be nice if we hung out. Although I wouldn’t stay know if you did want to screw me. See what you’ve turned me into?
It’s more the headache, actually, but painkillers take care of that easily enough. You don’t- You really don’t have to take care of me, Uriah, I do that just fine on my own. A few hours of silence and some water is all I need. Oh, and coffee. Coffee is a life-saver.
You are different. There’s no point trying to even deny that. I don’t know… What you want me to say though? I guess I didn’t realise just how much… How much I fucked things up for you, and I’m sorry for that. I really am. I didn’t realise how that whole thing would change you, and how much it would turn your life upside down. So for that I am sorry. But no, we won’t be hooking up again, but I am still your friend. So if you need to talk, we can do that. Anything beyond that though, no.
Having her so close, yet so far from his touch, was like hell. The moment her hand raised to touch his cheek, all he wanted to do was reach out his own hands, enclose hers in his and press his cheek into her palm. That, in his opinion, would do a much better job in numbing whatever pain he was feeling at the moment, be them physically caused by the wounds or emotionally brought upon by the things he’d seen while he was away. Her touch would always be better than any pain killers, any medications, because it didn’t just chase the pain away. Her touches, the slip and slide of her skin against his had always whispered to him that no matter how much pain he was in, he wouldn’t ever have to bear them alone. And that, more than anything, meant the most to Triph.
He wanted to answer her, tell her about those things that had happened in District 11. Them being comrades in duty, they were allowed to talk about these things. No secrecy about uproars and rebellions were posed among Peacekeepers. But even though that was the case, Triph couldn’t bring himself to say the words. He couldn’t bring himself to tell her all the horrible things he’d witnessed during those six months of hell. During that time he was away, he’d seen so much torment, torture, not directed at him, yes, but affected him nonetheless. He’d seen people crumpling to their deaths during the riots. He’d seen people losing those they love, and as much as he had wanted to do something about it, like last time, he couldn’t. He couldn’t this time because if he did, he would lose everything for sure. As much as he wanted to help the innocent, duty compelled him to be the monster, to be the one who brought upon those torment to the innocent. And that had broken him again and again every single second that passed by in Eleven. So, really, even if he wanted to tell her, he couldn’t. Maybe not now, at least. Not when there were so many eyes to see them because Triph knew, he just knew for sure, that if he started telling her all about it, he would lose himself in the process. He would break down, the walls of bravery and numbness he had built around himself for the past months would crumble to dust. And when that happened, he knew he would need Kero there. He would need her there for him. He would need her as his strength because he knew that his own strength would surely evaporate into oblivion. So instead of talking all about it, all he did was nod and look at her, his eyes screaming a promise that when the time was only theirs to share, he would tell her everything she needed to know. And simply said,”Yeah, there were. There still are, actually. There’s always been.”
At the mention of her not knowing about constellations, Triph frowned. He knew all about them, the stars. There was a time before he’d become a Peacekeeper that he’d spent so many hours of his nights just gazing at the stars. He had this special place outside the city, outside all the racket and the blinking lights and the ruckus. It was a place he’d inherited from his mother, and he had turned it into a safe haven of his. It was his home, actually. As he thought of it, an idea lodged itself into his mind. He had to take her there some time, preferrably on the next day off they would have. He would need the peace after all the racket he’d had to live through. And he would need a break, time away from everything else, time that would solely be his and Kero’s. They both needed that. He would have told her he’d bring her there some time, but then he remembered the surveillance. It wouldn’t have been wise so he kept his mouth shut, and reminded himself to tell her about it the moment they were alone.
As he heard about what happened at the parade, and about the rebels, Triph felt his chest tighten, his mind suddenly clouding with the memories back in District 11, but he pushed them away just as he tried to make his voice sound void of all the emotions that the memories had brought back. “Yeah, they really are out there,” he said, “And we’re supposed to be stopping them.” As he said the words, his mind screamed at him to say ‘But I really don’t want them to stop. I want to help,’ but of course he didn’t. He couldn’t. He shouldn’t.
He was pulled out of the deep well of his mind by the sound of the elevator arriving at the rooftop, the doors sliding swiftly. He knew he should have looked around first. He should have made sure that they were alone before doing anything, but the moment Kero’s hand wrapped around his own and she pulled him out of the elevator, every other thing in his mind besides the very presence and feel of Kero, was flung into the void. The very second Kero eagerly jumped up into his arms and pressed her body against hers, he was just as eager. And just like that, everything felt like it was going to be okay again.
For months and months, he’d craved her touch, her presence, her kisses, really everything about her. Every single night after a rough and dangerous day, he would just lie down on his bed and wish Kero was there just like she had been months prior. He’d longed for her, longed for the peace that her presence brought upon him. Just the feel of her enclosed in his embrace and the feel of her own arms wrapped around him had always been enough to make him feel at peace. And during those times that he could feel himself physically and emotionally breaking, all he wanted was the peace and the safe haven that she had always brought him. All he wanted was to curl up against her, tell her about his day no matter how horrible it was because they promised each other no secrets, and just hug her. Just a hug from her would have been enough to comfort him. It would have been enough to chase away the nightmares that has started to plague him. If she’d been there, she would have been able to pick up his broken pieces and keep him together. And so now, with the two of them finally reuniting after so many months away, their emotions blazing so high and consuming the both of them, Triph could do nothing but let himself burn in the blaze that was Kero Gold.
He kissed her back with as much fervour as she was kissing him with. He clutched at her body tightly, pressing her closer to him as much as possible. He drowned in the ferocity of her kisses, not once complaining that she was being violent. Some of his bruises were screaming at him, but fuck, he didn’t care. He needed to feel. He needed to feel something other than the pain of his memories. He needed to feel her presence. He had to know she was there, that she needed him. He needed to know that she wasn’t going to push him away now. He desperately needed to know, to feel, that she didn’t think him a monster after being in District 11. But alas, the last one was something he couldn’t be sure at the moment.
They parted much too soon in his opinion. But the sight of her wide grin that welcomed him the moment he opened his eyes once more was enough to open up his chest and let all the emotions he’d been keeping inside to pour out without hindrances. The gates flung open and as he stood there, his arms wrapped tightly around her frame while he looked at her, took in every inch of her face from up close and re-committed it to his memory. He chained this image he was seeing now with the memory of her face that kept him going when he thought he couldn’t do anything anymore. When he didn’t know if he should continue what he was doing in 11 or just stop fighting those people all together, stop fighting for the Capitol, all he would do was remember her face and tell himself he had to survive because he had to go back. He had to find out if he still had a place with her. So now, looking at her, touching her, feeling her, Triph could feel his emotions overwhelming him. He didn’t hold back anymore, he let them go, he let himself feel them. And in turn, he willed Kero to feel them as well.
"I know, I know," he said,his voice cracking with the happiness he was feeling at the moment. "I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye. They didn’t let me. They knew there was nobody in the city I should say goodbye to. It killed me, Kero. It fucking killed me, having to leave you without as much as goodbye," he leaned his forehead against hers. "I’m really sorry. Fuck, I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean to leave you alone all those months, I swear. I wanted to be with you. I did. I do. And those months without you killed me."
When her hands trailed to his cheek, his eyes fluttered close and his own hand entrapped hers and pressed the warm skin of her palm closer to his face. Turning his face to the side, he kissed the center of her palm just because he could. Now, he could. But when he opened his eyes once more and saw the tears clouding hers, Triph went and placed his other hand on her cheek. And when the tears finally flowed down from her eyes, the sight was enough to make Triph tear up as well, all those months without her, without seeing her, without being with her, catching up to him in a flood of tears. “Hey, shhh. Don’t cry, love. You’re making me cry, too. And do you really have to ask that? Of course I did.” He leaned closer to her then as his thumb wiped her tears away. “I did. I missed you. I. Fucking. Missed. You.” And then he captured her lips in his once again. The latter part of his sentence being murmured against her lips and punctuated with a kiss. “It was hell without you, Kero. I…I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to survive,” he whispered as he pulled away. That was when he realized his tears weren’t just tears of happiness anymore. They were also tears of remembrance—remembrance of all those nights without Kero. “I didn’t know how to continue fighting. It was horrible in that place. All those people fighting. All those people being killed just because they wanted a better life for themselves. It was fucking horrible. And what’s worse is that I’m fighting for the Capitol when all I wanted was to cross to the other side. But I couldn’t. I’d been forced to hurt people who I know disn’t deserve it, Kero. And every night I feel like I’m the biggest monster to ever live. And then you weren’t there. Bed was empty. The space felt so big and cold without you. And—and the nightmares. I saw them in my sleep. And they hated me. I don’t…” he whispered. And then he was trembling. He didn’t even realize, but he was shaking. His hand that was holding onto Kero’s was clutching desperately. He hoped he hadn’t been hurting her, but he couldn’t help it. He felt like if he loosened his grip, he could lose her again. “I hurt people, Kero. I hurt them.” He was aware of how weird this must look like. A minute ago, he was composed and he was crying with tears of happiness, and now he was breaking down. But he knew this was coming. And he could just hope, while he broke down there that after Kero had heard about what he had to do in District 11, she wouldn’t think of him as a monster. He could just wish she wouldn’t be disgusted by him. “I’m sorry. You must think I’m a monster now.”
When Triph had seemingly disappeared into nothing, Kero had initially thought that he had gotten scared, that he hadn’t wanted to be with her anymore, and the easiest way to get rid of her was to just ignore her completely. But soon enough, after a couple of days of her fuming with anger, she had overheard some of her co-workers talking about some Peacekeepers in their unit had been sent to one of the outer districts to sort out some rebellious tendencies among the citizens there. And from there, she had figured that Triph must have been one of them. And the anger she had felt had been replaced by sadness. Peacekeepers that were sent out normally took years to come back, and she had no way of contacting him without anyone finding out about their… Relationship, or whatever the two of them had was. She really had thought that she would never see him again, yet there he was, right in front of her, though he didn’t look the same.
He looked tired, he looked sad, he looked like something inside him had broken while he was away. But he also looked relieved. That he was holding her, that she was looking at him with a softness in her eyes that she rarely ever wore. But he did look sad, still, which was why she felt it was important that she show that she was there for him, and that was the reason she kept her hands to his cheeks, cupping his face in a loving way. Kero nodded slowly, her eyes closing as he rested his forehead to hers, and she inhaled deeply, enjoying the scent of him. It brought her back to all those months ago, when they would lie in bed, holding each other, cuddling and touching, enjoying each other’s company. It was like going right back to where they had been back then, though half a year had passed, and they had not so much as shared a word. But those months seemed to have passed in a matter of hours now that she was there with him again.
"I know. I know, Triph, you don’t have to explain yourself. I know you had to go." Part of her had been afraid that he might find someone else, that he would find someone to keep him company, keep his bed warm… Though she would be a hypocrite to be sad if he had, as she had done the very same thing. She was regretting it now though, now that he was back there with her, holding her in his arms. "I want to be with you, too. I’ve ached for you, I’ve missed you so desperately." Gently, she pressed her lips to his in a soft, gentle kiss, her lips merely brushing against his. "I’m here now. I’m right here with you, and I’m- I’m not going anywhere." She never wanted to be away from him for another minute.
A gently smile, a sad smile, spread across her face as he turned his face to kiss the palm of her hand, and her tearing up had him doing the same. But she was just so very happy to see him, they were tears of joy, not tears of sadness. And even with his hand on her cheek, she stood up on her toes, and softly kissed away the tears from his eyes. “Happy tears. These are happy tears,” she promised, giving a small laugh. Kero never cried, she hadn’t allowed herself to in many years, but of course it would be Triph that brought it out of her. Of course he would be the one to make her feel human again. The laugh that escaped her when he told her he missed her was almost a shy one, but before she could reply to him, he was kissing her again, speaking against her lips. Her heart fluttered in her chest at the words though, knowing that he had missed her just as much as she had missed him. But when he pulled back from her, his demeanour was changed, and he looked as sad as could possibly be, his words tearing at her heart. All she wanted to do was wrap him up in her arms, and assure him that everything would be okay. But then again, she didn’t know what he had experienced while he had been gone.
Kero looked at him with sad eyes, listening to his words, listening to what it was he had been experiencing while he had been gone. Snow was not at all sharing what was really happening in the outer districts, but watching his face change now, watching how what he had been experiencing was having him so very confused, so very sad and so very upset about what had happened in District 11. Triph trembled, and she didn’t even know what to do, or what to say to make him feel better, all she could do was wrap her arms tightly around his middle, holding him tightly to her, and her hands moved up to hold onto his shoulders. “Stop it,” she whispered, her bottom lip trembling as he asked if she thought he was a monster. But Triph could never be a monster. He was a good man, a good, loving, kind-hearted man, who would have never hurt anyone unless he had absolutely no other choice. And he had had no other choice while in District 11. “You’re not a monster, I could never think of you as a monster. Never,” she assured him, giving him a stern look. Gentle, she took his hands in hers, and brought him with her over to the bench on the rooftop, and sat them both down, and her hands came to rest right behind his ears, her fingers tangling in his hair.
"Listen to me, Triph. You were doing your job. It’s a disgusting job, we’ve made to do things we don’t want to do, things that feel wrong, things that make us feel like we’re not even considered to be human anymore. It was your life, or theirs. And choosing to live does not make you a monster." She wouldn’t have it, she wouldn’t hear him talking about himself the way that he was, she couldn’t bare it. He was talking about the man that… The man that she had grown to love. Though she had never spoken the words, that was how she felt. While he had been gone, she had wondered what it was that she was feeling for him, if she just liked him a lot, but having him back now, she knew. She knew what she was feeling for him, and there was no point in hiding it any longer. "Triph, you… You’re a beautiful person. You’re kind, loving, warm, funny… Funnier than anyone I have ever known. And I- Don’t talk about yourself that way, that’s the man I’m in love with you’re talking about." She leaned in to rest her forehead against his, taking long and shuddering breaths. "I’m in love with you, I- I’ve never said those words out loud, but I am. Please… I… I love you." And then the words had been spoken, there was no taking them back, there was no hiding it. And she was suddenly feeling a sense of dread in her entire body, her soul. Because maybe he didn’t feel the same way, maybe he was too broken for that.
Sucks. I would have done it if I were you. If I’d been here…I…Nike would understand. At least I think she will. Hmmm. That’s too bad. So I’m not allowed then, huh?
Well, I haven’t answered yet. I said I’d get back to them on that one. Do you think I should, Gold? What rules are you talking about? It’s not like I’ll be romantically involved with this woman. What’s wrong with a good time every now then, right? She is a marvelous fuck, after all. One of the best I’ve had.
Of course you would, but then again; you and I aren’t exactly the same. Allowed to give my backside a smack? As long as it’s outside of work, you can.
A- A marvellous fuck? Um, you just… You do whatever you want to, Cavan. A g-good time is all good and well, I guess, but… Yeah. No, you do whatever you want to. It’s not like… Like I- Like I care or anything.
Yikes. I expect you at least introduced the knee to the family jewels or something? But no curse, huh? That’s good to know.
Oh, that’s great. Because rebellion excitement is not good. Yeah, I have been. But I bumped into her like a night ago and she had lots to say, lots of invitations to stuff, too. She sounded really excited. I don’t know, Gold. Do you wanna know?
Nike would have my head if I actually physically harmed anyone of those kids, so no, sorry to disappoint you, but I didn’t knee the guy. No curse, no. Though that’s no invitation, I’ll have you know.
Invitations? Really? And did you… Accept these invitations, Cavan? I’m not sure I do, I might have to report you for breaking the rules. If you intend to… Spend time with this woman.
Oh, god. Does smacking your backside land some kind of curse to the doer or something? That’s scary, Gold. Proper scary.
The good kind of excitement is very welcome. The rebellious kind is one that’s better if evaded. But the worst kind of excitement is the excitement that a Capitol woman showers you with. A capitol woman that you’ve been avoiding for three years. Now, that is a whole different kind.
Nope, he was just a horny boy who had never had sex. I almost pity him, really, if it weren’t for the fact that he was inappropriate as all hell.
Oh, I’m not talking rebellious excitement. Just… Other kinds of excitement, you know what I mean. You’ve been avoiding a Capitol woman for 3 years? Do I even want to know why?
So, that’s what you’ve been doing, huh? Playing tag with the tributes this year. That sounds really, really fun.
They keyword being can. Which means it’s not always. It still depends on what kind of excitement that is. Oh, boy, trust me, Gold, there are just excitements that are not safe, and I’d rather not experience again.
Basically, yes. You missed one hell of a show last year. One of the tributes thought it would be funny to run around, smacking my backside. Unfortunately for him, he died in the bloodbath.
Good kind of excitement is alright though, hmm? Maybe not the whole… People rebelling against authority and all. But you’re back here now, in the oh so boring Capitol.